We are in the process of preparing for our immigration marriage interview. We have pictures, letters of support from my friends and family, and financial documents (such as bank statements, life insurance policies, credit cards, bills, etc). From what I have read, some things that throw up red flags to the immigration officers are extreme differences in age, income, education, and religion. We are similar in every aspect except religion.
Although I was raised christian, I now think that all religions are ridiculous and absurd. Prior to modern science, religion was necessary to explain natural phenomena such as agriculture, weather, and death. But in the modern world, science renders religion out-dated, unnecessary, and a hindrance to human development. I could go on, but this is not a blog about atheism. This blog is about being married to a person who still believes in religion.
In our interview, I know there will be questions about our differences of opinion on religion. "How can an atheist and a Muslim be together?" "How will you raise the children?" "Do your parents approve of the marriage?" According to the Islamic forums and other sources I have read, Muslim men can marry a Christian or a Jewish girl, but not an atheist. Muslim women can only marry Muslim men. (How sexist!!) This is because the children are supposed to be raised in the religion of the father. If a Muslim woman marries a non-Muslim she might raise them in the religion of the infidel father. So technically we are not supposed to be together. I tell myself that he married me because he loves me so much that he is willing to deny his personal beliefs for love. However, I recently asked him about this and he says that it is ok to be married to me because I was raised Christian and that one day I will come around to believing in god again. Not likely. As a scientist, I believe in data and evidence. There is no evidence for god, allah, or any other deity.
As far as children, I don't even want kids. I want to be thin and sexy forever. (Ha!) If I ever did have kids, I would let them decide for themselves. He says the same, but I have a feeling that he would change his mind if we did have kids. Islam is like that. My mom does not approve of our relationship and my dad "just wants me to be happy". Oh man. I am getting nervous about this interview just thinking about it.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thanksgiving
Religion was always important to my mom, but as she has gotten older she has turned into something of a fanatic. She listens to the Christian radio all the time and believes almost everything they say. When I was in high school, my brother and I couldn't watch Disney movies because Disney supported "gay days" at their parks. So you can imagine that if The Little Mermaid warranted groundings, bringing a Muslim home for Thanksgiving was tantamount to a death sentence. (I'm exaggerating about the death sentence part, but you get the point.) The first Thanksgiving my hubby met my mom was tense. He only ate the side dishes and desserts because the turkey wasn't halal. There were questions about why he wasn't eating any meat and about his culture and his country. My mom made some snide remarks when he wasn't in the room about praying over the turkey to make it halal. It could have gone alot worse. Thanksgiving at my dad's house was a little better, but still tense. My dad and stepmom were cordial and nice, but they tried to make jokes that were a little over-the-top and inappropriate for meeting him for the first time.
Of course, my hubby's personality doesn't necessarily help the situation. Sometimes he dominates the conversation with his political opinions. He likes watching the news and keeping up with all the politicians. It's great that he is well informed, but not everybody cares about politics. And he interrupts people and doesn't really listen to what others have to say, myself included. Also, he is VERY blunt. For example, this past weekend he told my friend that he had "gained alot of weight since they last met". To be fair, my friend has gained alot of weight. However, hubby doesn't seem to understand that it is not his place to tell him this. They are not close friends at all. I have told him several times that it is very rude to make comments about other people's weight, but he still does it. Is there something in in the Koran that says you should be rude to people or is this a part of his personality or is this behavior normal in his culture? I'm sure there is something in the Koran along the lines of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all", so it's probably not a Muslim thing. I think bluntness is highly acceptable in his culture/country and he is a little bit of an asshole. There have been some improvements since we first met. He doesn't interrupt people as much as he used to and he doesn't talk about politics with my family. But he still tends to dominate the conversation and doesn't listen very well.
Sometimes it's like I am talking to a man with the mentality of an American man from the 1950's. Actually, I don't think this analogy is too far off. His country is very far behind the western world in terms of human rights, economic development, and political freedom. The government-controlled media presents a limited and biased view of the western world. It is not unreasonable that since the government is behind, the mentality of the people are behind as well. I have met several men from his country and found that most of them are worse than him. They don't listen, are always talking, and are extremely blunt. They will tell you that there are no gay people in their country (this is kind of true in one sense because if you "come out", you will go to prison for 2 years) and that they don't have pedophiles.
I'm not saying that the Western culture is perfect. We certainly have alot of problems. However, listening to my husband's stories about his country and his life in that country have given me a profound appreciation for my country. America may not be perfect, but we still are the shining city on the hill.
Of course, my hubby's personality doesn't necessarily help the situation. Sometimes he dominates the conversation with his political opinions. He likes watching the news and keeping up with all the politicians. It's great that he is well informed, but not everybody cares about politics. And he interrupts people and doesn't really listen to what others have to say, myself included. Also, he is VERY blunt. For example, this past weekend he told my friend that he had "gained alot of weight since they last met". To be fair, my friend has gained alot of weight. However, hubby doesn't seem to understand that it is not his place to tell him this. They are not close friends at all. I have told him several times that it is very rude to make comments about other people's weight, but he still does it. Is there something in in the Koran that says you should be rude to people or is this a part of his personality or is this behavior normal in his culture? I'm sure there is something in the Koran along the lines of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all", so it's probably not a Muslim thing. I think bluntness is highly acceptable in his culture/country and he is a little bit of an asshole. There have been some improvements since we first met. He doesn't interrupt people as much as he used to and he doesn't talk about politics with my family. But he still tends to dominate the conversation and doesn't listen very well.
Sometimes it's like I am talking to a man with the mentality of an American man from the 1950's. Actually, I don't think this analogy is too far off. His country is very far behind the western world in terms of human rights, economic development, and political freedom. The government-controlled media presents a limited and biased view of the western world. It is not unreasonable that since the government is behind, the mentality of the people are behind as well. I have met several men from his country and found that most of them are worse than him. They don't listen, are always talking, and are extremely blunt. They will tell you that there are no gay people in their country (this is kind of true in one sense because if you "come out", you will go to prison for 2 years) and that they don't have pedophiles.
I'm not saying that the Western culture is perfect. We certainly have alot of problems. However, listening to my husband's stories about his country and his life in that country have given me a profound appreciation for my country. America may not be perfect, but we still are the shining city on the hill.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Hello World
Hello World,
I am an American female in my late twenties who recently got married to a guy from a central Asian country. All marriages are tough, but I think ours has several extra elements of difficulty because we are from very different cultures, are different races, and have different beliefs about religion. This blog is about my married life with a muslim man.
Now, let me just say from the start that I love my husband very much and he loves me. He is very hard-working, kind, and caring. He doesn't beat me, make me wear a hijab, make me stay at home or anything like that. He is religious, but he is not a fanatic or terrorist. He has been in the U.S. for almost 7 years (he speaks very good English) and has assimilated quite well into the American culture in some ways. But he is a foreigner. He is a foreigner from a very strange and repressive country. And the mentality of his culture is about 50 years behind the western world. I was born, raised, and educated in the USA. So, we both are very different people with a different understanding of the world. Sometimes this causes conflict in our relationship.
Our relationship and short marriage have been filled with many happy moments, but there are many things that have happened in our relationship that I am still trying to process. I spend alot of time trying to understand my husband's thoughts and behavior by considering his culture and religion. But it is hard to keep my thoughts organized and coherent. I know, I probably need to go to a therapist to talk about my relationship, but my insurance doesn't cover therapy and I'm too cheap to pay for it. So, I thought starting a blog would be a cheap alternative to psychological counseling. I welcome any comments, just try to keep it friendly.
Thanks for reading!
I am an American female in my late twenties who recently got married to a guy from a central Asian country. All marriages are tough, but I think ours has several extra elements of difficulty because we are from very different cultures, are different races, and have different beliefs about religion. This blog is about my married life with a muslim man.
Now, let me just say from the start that I love my husband very much and he loves me. He is very hard-working, kind, and caring. He doesn't beat me, make me wear a hijab, make me stay at home or anything like that. He is religious, but he is not a fanatic or terrorist. He has been in the U.S. for almost 7 years (he speaks very good English) and has assimilated quite well into the American culture in some ways. But he is a foreigner. He is a foreigner from a very strange and repressive country. And the mentality of his culture is about 50 years behind the western world. I was born, raised, and educated in the USA. So, we both are very different people with a different understanding of the world. Sometimes this causes conflict in our relationship.
Our relationship and short marriage have been filled with many happy moments, but there are many things that have happened in our relationship that I am still trying to process. I spend alot of time trying to understand my husband's thoughts and behavior by considering his culture and religion. But it is hard to keep my thoughts organized and coherent. I know, I probably need to go to a therapist to talk about my relationship, but my insurance doesn't cover therapy and I'm too cheap to pay for it. So, I thought starting a blog would be a cheap alternative to psychological counseling. I welcome any comments, just try to keep it friendly.
Thanks for reading!
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